“I wear my life” by Jo Dee Messina, gave answers to questions never asked!
As the years go by, I realize in many ways that I have always been and always will be an introverted and emotionally-driven person that turns sharply in the mood of thousands of different reasons. It sounds like it ought to be a weakness and a negative characteristic. In all honesty, I have enough in the episodes in my life seen this behavior as a weakness and a lack that neither is socially acceptable or, indeed, contribute to some form of personal success. But since I have been working an awful lot during my childhood to accept who I am, and watch my qualities as strengths rather than weaknesses, I have also built up my confidence and self esteem in an informed way!
I describe my own view of my behavior and personality to other people, the majority will look like bird feeders and wonder what in hell I’m talking about. It is a fact that whatever I’ve taken on in the later part of my life has been outgoing and socially active, where I usually ended up in positions to act as some sort of leader or representative of other people. And how paradoxical it may sound, this is exactly what I’ve been doing, and how I have been. It is only within the past year that I realized that I had to take the chance to test these “skills” to see if it really is so that I’m the type of person who everyone says I am. Therefore, I decided to take a job as a supervisor for three departments in a company that both target the production and sales, while also leading people who for various reasons not yet got into the open labor market. Without going too deeply into that aspect, I can say that sometimes it does not feel like I left my old job as a social worker at the treatment center.
Why do I use the song title “I Wear My Life” in this Tattoo Art Project blog article? The answer will come, but it requires that I continue to frame everything with a little more frippery.
The last few weeks at my new job I have really struggled with divided feelings and thoughts about if I really made the right choice and started working as a supervisor. It is incredibly stressful and split tasks constantly make me feel that I have a hard time catching up and get a grip and control on things. I might not be the biggest control freak in the world, but I contend with a strong will to do a “good job” and be present for the people I work with. But as it is at the moment I more or less run around doing a thousand different things, in a thousand different places. It simply does not harmonize the moment.
Here comes my inner conflict with who I am, what I believe in, in direct collision with the requirements of the new work is organized. What makes it extra difficult is that I do not know if what I feel is a result of the fact that I am new to the leadership position and have not learned everything practically and theoretically yet. Maybe it has to do with me trying to repair the damage that my predecessor has caused, so intense that I did not give myself the opportunity to create a decent picture of what the work actually could be? Or is it a third aspect, where I simply chose to work on something that I’m not meant to do? The confusion is total, but it still makes me confident is that I know I will make the right choice, whether I stay or move on. And here I somehow land in an inner security and self-esteem that I’ve struggled to build up throughout my life.
In my own little introverted mental and emotional world, I have developed a creative thinking and imagination that is quite powerful, but in other ways is extremely fragmented and distracting. It was only when I started reading the blog www.creativesomething.net, and later the book Imagine by Jonah Lehrer that I realized that it is about developing my capability and creative talent in the right way, and the right direction.
So a couple of days ago I decided to take one of my little innovations I had in stock and visited a company that works with help people like me, with an idea of an innovation, but do not really know how to move from idea to product.
I met a man who definitely didn’t give the impression I had expected. He began by telling me about his past life and how he worked from an early age with a variety of sophisticated things, trained as a mechanical engineer of some sort. He started different companies and came up with an innovation that at 25 years of age made him a multimillionaire. He told how he frantically continued in the same line of business initiative and gush forth innovations, until one day he woke up and realized that he was doing something fundamentally wrong with his life. He chose to give up everything he achieved, company, work, just about everything. He instead began a special education, where he spent several years focusing and prioritizing the life of the pluses and minuses. It resulted in him selling off pretty much everything he had and instead began focusing on different ways of helping people to realize their ideas. He brought up his way of thinking in such a way that I simply after our meeting walked out from his office with the feeling that my innovation was quite pathetic and that I should devote myself to doing good for the world instead.
A few days after that visit, a lot of what he told me has sunk in. I still believe that my innovation is good, but if I push through it is uncertain because I do not know if it helps me slip away in a trace of life that will make me feel more fragmented and lost than I do now. I also got the chance to tell about my own life for this innovation genius, and I realized that I soon got into a lively description of the Tattoo Art Project. The strange thing about him was that he probably found out when I told you about Tattoo Art Project, that it is the one interest that I have a true passion for, except my family off course.
He took out one five-point list of things that must be found for the innovation you have to be a success. I was also to grade each point in a 1-10 scale. I think definitely my innovation meets all five points, but I also realized that I graded each item fairly low on the scale, and it made me a little worried. Not because the product is not possible to produce and sell, but that maybe I should not waste time and energy on this project in this particular phase of life. Maybe I should let the experience sink in a while and focus on the most obvious things that make me happy.
After meeting with Mr. “Innovation Man”, I went home slightly confused and deeply absorbed in thoughts. I put on my jacket and went for a mind-cleansing walk. The thoughts were going hay wire and it was very difficult to keep focused on one single thread of thought. All of a sudden it was like if my brain had reached the boiling point and it bubbled thoughts from every cut and corner. In the end I had to stop and put on my headphones with music to distract the brain with a predestined impression. Somehow it worked and the thoughts started to calm down and I slowly received a more linear thought flow. I’m sure there are many of you will recognize this phenomenon, in which music can contribute to like a kind of concentration battery.
Five minutes later came a song in MP3 player that means a lot to me emotionally, and which incidentally is on my “funeral playlist”. (the “funeral playlist” is songs from different artists that I will have played on my own funeral that will help describe who I was when I was alive.)
Suddenly the uncontrolled flow of thoughts going fast again, but this time in a much more positive and constructive way. Those who have been through this kind of experience know what I mean by when being “in the zone” or “the flow”!
I realized in that moment that I had to do a sub project within the main Tattoo Art Project, which aims to describe my life through music and art! It is hard for me to try to explain in this article how the project should be done, but I promise that when given opportunities to be realized, I am going to flow out of me information! I can at least say that it must contain my “funeral list”, Tattoo Art, and an special art exhibition. Cryptic, I know, but I am a very cryptic man.
I pretty much ran back home to start sketching and smudging down my thoughts on paper to sort the ideas and strategies to implement the project. There are obvious obstacles to many of my sub projects, and that is that somewhere along the way It needs money to be feasible, which is money I do not have. Simply put.
Therefore, I got then down at the computer and wrote an application for cultural funding for my project aiming at 2014 when Umeå, the town I live in is the European Capital of Culture. I have no idea if I will receive funding for this project, but I really hope so. If I don’t the funding from this place, I will still sooner or later to complete it. I’ve made up my mind. And so far in life I have achieved everything I planned once I made up my mind!
It was a few days ago that I sent this funding request, and as I have described earlier, I’m mostly hovering between hope and despair about my job, and direction of work. I have learned to notice pretty quickly when I start to commute over the negative and gloomy thoughts, and therefore I try and attack it by stimulating my creative thinking in every way I have knowledge of. One of the best trick I have is as mentioned earlier, to take walks and listen to music. But this time I decided to take the mp3 player and go to the store to buy some food. It almost always work when I choose music with a combination of nostalgia and positivity. So I chose to play Jo Dee Messina. It is perhaps not the music I usually listen to these days, but there was a time during the 90′s when I listened to her a lot. Therefore, I know that her songs and old nostalgic memories would relatively quickly get my fragmented thoughts narrowed down and filtered in purer form and order. Music and nostalgia brings order out of chaos, one can say.
I calmly walked around the shop, picked me food, listening to music, and suddenly the song “I wear my life” starts playing in the headphones. There I’m standing completely still at cheese and ham section, just listening to the song and the lyrics. It’s just like there was a higher power that made me choose that particular song by Jo Dee Messina. In an odd way it speaks to me and give new a explanation to the meaning of why I started with Tattoo Art Project, or even why I chose to tattoo me at the first place!
When Jo Dee Messina sang the chorus, it was almost as if my legs would give way on me and I wanted to sink down on the floor of pure shock and revelation:
I wear my life, right on my sleeve
Who I am ain’t no mystery
Where I’ve been has left a mark on me
No, I’m not one to try and hide
Or keep it all locked up inside
It may sound crazy to everyone else, but I’m starting to think that my “funeral playlist ‘is predetermined, and I really just wander like a ghost to sum up a life already lived. Every time I try to wrap my brain around this life-project that I created, it becomes more and more complicated, asking questions, while providing crystal clear explanations and easy answers.
I have most of my life lived according to a circular philosophical idea, which states: The meaning of life, is to search for the meaning of life. This philosophy is a subjective truth that I have believed in for over 25 years, long before I started with either “funeral playlist ‘or Tattoo Art Project.
What I have realized today is that I need to learn to accept and deal with the existence of pure fate and predetermined truths.
















